Random thoughts of a conflicted mind – Various heartfelt literary pieces

Hello there, stranger. Welcome to my blog!

To whoever you are, thank you for visiting my page and I seriously appreciate that you alot some of your time to read my posts. But hey, please. Whatever you read here, I hope it will just stay between the two of us. I’m also hoping that you will have an amnesia and forget everything like for instance: knowing my blog page. That’s all. Thanks once again! Have a good life! (No sarcasm intended) 😊


022414 3:11PM

Never hate,  appreciate instead.
Never degrade, be great instead.
Never frown, see a clown instead.
Never loathe,  love instead. 

The Lost Smile — Entry for Banaag Diwa (Short Story)

          It’s been a year and I am again sitting on this bench beside the pond watching the sky as it turns to grey. I can see passersby who are happily strolling to the ends of the horizon. Their blissfulness light up their faces and it makes me question myself, “How can they still smile despite of all the misfortunes life threw at them?”

          Then I remember the first day I met him right at this very spot. It was a cloudy day, the place was peaceful and there were only a few people gazing at the magnificent scenery. I was in so much tears and just so my luck, everyone was too busy with their lives that they didn’t even notice my existence. Suddenly, the rain started to pour and it somehow lessened the burden of my sorrow. That sudden warmth feeling amidst the coolness of the weather went running all over me as I found something accompanied me during this very low moment. But then I noticed the raindrops stopped touching my skin. I looked up and saw a man holding an umbrella over me. He sat beside me and offered me his hanky. He was very gentle and told me the cheesiest line I’d ever heard my whole life and it stopped me from all these sobbing drama I was having.

          “A lady as lovely as you are should preserve those tears to something precious – like try to loosen up a bit and feel exhilarated as this guy’s just about to comfort an angel.” He said while pointing to himself.

          I laughed and that was how I met my best friend.

          Zach was a mysterious and funny guy. He loved driving on a wet road, he loved the idea of rain and he was a follower of JC. He got a lot of things in mind but was too private about it. His solitude drawn me into knowing him more and welcoming him into my life. He was the only person that I was positive I could count on to. He never left me when things got rough. He’d even come to our school just to offer me some of his company because for some friendship-betrayal issues, I chose to keep myself accompanied by no one but my own. I stopped making friends in class anymore. Zach knew that very well and being the best dude friend that he was, he allotted most of his time with me – even if that would mean he got so little left to himself being alone and doing things that he loved – cooking. He wouldn’t come to our school empty-handed; as a matter of fact, he’d always bring a lunch box and feed me. He loved to cook so much that he even dreamt of pursuing a career one day that involved nothing else but cooking, cooking and cooking.

          Until one afternoon, he was a bit hesitant to tell me something. Being persistent as I always was, I annoyingly asked him what was bothering him and so, he couldn’t help  but spill whatever he was thinking right away.

          “Okay, okay here it goes. I just received  a letter from a culinary school where I had interned when I went abroad…. and they were offering me a scholarship.”

          I got speechless for a moment. It took me a while to react because it wasn’t what I’d been expecting to hear and to even make matters worse, it was totally not something I wanted to hear either. He was leaving and I didn’t want him to. He was my only friend. I couldn’t lose him. He was in a state of dilemma after seeing my reaction. It felt terrible making him see the disappointment that covered all my face, so I assured him that I was going to be okay, even though I knew I would never be. I told him to accept it and that he got my full support so he grabbed the opportunity right away. I supported him even though it was against my will.

          The day that he had been waiting and I’d not been praying for had unfortunately come. I was all bitter on our way to the airport but I didn’t let him see the bitterness that were painted all over my face, though I knew he could sense it. He kept telling me to lessen my klutziness and should start making friends as he was going far away. I rolled my eyes and without even noticing, I hugged him so tight hoping it would stop him from leaving. I wished him a safe journey and right after he went through those doors, I cried.

          We didn’t lose contact with each other. Though at first, it was so hard adjusting to our new environment wherein we both have different time zones and that all means of communication was just virtual. Nevertheless, he’d still find time to talk to me about everything, even the tiniest detail that I didn’t even need to know.

          Three years had gone by and, he’s finally coming back right after the last day of school. I got so excited that I even made him a surprise welcome party. The day of his arrival came. I was about to go to the airport to fetch him when my sister called me out and told me to come over because an argument broke out and a fight with her husband ensued. I’d thought that my sister needed me more right now, so I called Zach’s so-not-techie brother, Bob. I asked him to fetch Zach instead because I couldn’t make it.

          While my sister and I were talking, I seemed restless like something felt terribly wrong so I checked my phone and found three missed calls and a text message from Bob. It was really strange getting a call from him so I read the text message right away:

          “Sandy, Zach’s gone… His plane crashed. They’re still finding the location to where it had gone. I don’t know what to do.”

          And there was a moment of silence.

          I dropped my phone.

          I didn’t know what to do either.

          I couldn’t process every word.

          I kept thinking it might be just a prank.

          That maybe Bob was just fooling me. But he couldn’t make a fool out of this.

          It felt like my whole world had been shattered and torn apart.

          My memories of him started flashing back. Our memories together.. Plans we’d made..

          I couldn’t believe it.

          He’s dead.

          My Zach was dead.

          My sister asked me what happened but I couldn’t utter a word. I was tearing up, lost my balance and even my sanity’s gone as well.

          A few minutes later, I gained my consciousness back. I tried my best to compose myself, but I couldn’t help my tears from falling. My heart was wrenched. I was in deep shock and sorrow for the loss of the man I’d ever loved. He was my best friend and I’d been in love with him ever since the first day we met. He did not know that yet. He was the one who made me feel that life was worth living when I was about to give up for being unable to find purpose. Cliché as it sounded but he really was my knight in shining armor – both in dreams and in reality. He was the only one who made me believe that fairytales could come true, that happy endings could’ve existed. And these vanished all because of one’s imprudence and recklessness.

          Just thinking about it, it’s kind of funny how timing’s such a bitch and how life can get even more fucked up with each passing day.

          Today is his first death anniversary and as I remember all the moments we shared together, I can’t help myself, but to smile and giggle for every sweet memory I had with him. My vivid memories of him still linger on and I will treasure them forever even after the rainbow loses all its power to give the world color and hope right after the rain washes the sorrows of all.

          Zach was my rainbow. He will forever be that rainbow who appeared before me just as when everything was not falling right into place.

          I see myself facing to the direction of a voice coming from a guy who’s just sitting on the bench next to mine.

          “Pardon?” I said.

          “Are you okay? You’ve been laughing there for hours. Do you want someone to share that with?” he said.

          I nod and he stands, walks up to me and smiles.

          I guess it’s time to see the bright side of life and move on. I’ve realized it’s the best way to paint back the smiles that were once lost.

091813 10:36PM

How to ease the pain?

When every time I’m about to tell the story,

I refrain?

Feelings of every grain,

I refuse sayin’

Pretending to be fine

I guess, has always been mine.

100 Tula Para Kay Stella Analysis & Sentiments

I just finished watching the movie a couple of hours ago. The movie was about two people who first met in college, fell in love but didn’t end up together. The guy has a speech defect that’s why he gets bullied all the time —not to mention that he’s a nerd as well. Now here comes the girl. She’s a rockstar, cool chic who’s oozing with confidence because she’s pretty and sings very well. She’s that astig girl who saves bullied ones from the bullies. Now I think you know how the story goes, blah blah blah.

Now here’s the thing. The guy fell in love with the girl and now she became his inspiration in writing poems. Ever since freshman year, he writes poems for this girl it goes on until he finished college.

The girl, by the way, is a “user-friendly” kind of person. She uses people to achieve her dream —to become a well-known musician. Music is her passion but she’s taking up Psychology, both of them are, though. The girl’s parents died early so her sisters are the ones looking out for her.

“You can’t blame her if she feels that way. Okay gud si girl, ang gusto niya lang man kay ma follow ang dreams niya and ang passion niya. Di man din sya hangul though. So di mo talaga siya ma hate. She despised her course kasi di niya naman talaga gusto un but forced sya because ano lang man din ang work ng mga musicians, di man stable unlike if meron ka bachelor’s degree of something na sure kang mapapagkakakitaan mo talaga someday, right… but nawalan siya ng hope and everything because nafeel niya na walang naga support sa knya so naging rebel siya. Fucked up na life niya kay di na sya nga pasok ng school, lagi nalang pag mumusic ang inaatupag. Tapos nung merong kapit first uyab niya na kabanda niya sa isang music record director, ginamit niya uyab niya para maka leech with that person. Tapos gi uyab niya rin yung music director but di niya talaga love, ginamit niya lang para makaakyat on top. But that didn’t work. Now sa lahat ng panahon na yan, anjan lang si guy sa tabi. Kahit anong climate na ngayon si girl, witness lang si guy always. He’s like a tree sa isang place that experiences all seasons. Nag uyab si girl at ung ka banda niya, nag break sila, nakahanap ng bago si girl, nag break sila, nanjan lang siya always. Hopeful pa rin masyado and patuloy pa rin sa pag write ng tula. Then something happened. Nung time na grabe ka lost and fucked up na gyud ni gurl, she found someone. Someone na wala talaga sa picture. Someone new na di pa siya na touch ever. By touch i mean, yung di relevant sa life niya because acquaintance lang talaga sila and yung tipong obvious na hanggang duon lang talaga sila but then di pala. Nakahanap si gurl ng makakapitan. Yung kakapitang makakaisip ka na atleast di ako gabaan dito because never pa naman kami nagsama talaga. Wala pa talaga kami masyadong memory together so di pa niya talaga ako kilala so we’re kinda stranger-ish to each other. Then duon niya nahanap ang solace niya and hindi kay guy. Na kahit gano pa sila katagal nag sama, kahit na anjan pa always si guy sa tabi niya umaraw man o bumagyo, hindi niya pa rin makayang maging together with the guy because di niya kayang gamitin, ihurt or like idamay si guy sa kabuangan niya. She thinks na the guy doesnt deserve that because he deserves better. He’s an achiever, eh ano lang ba naman siya. Kabait niya na friend kay girl and she wants it to stay as it is.

And the movie somehow depicted na parang sinasabi ni girl na if only sinabi or nag confess agad si guy sa simula pa lang, there could have been something that will bloom between the two of them. But i dont think there will ever be. I dont think they would end up together, still. You know why? Because the guy’s too nice and she’s a wreck. Kaya duon siya nag stick sa person na parang bago lahat. Sabi niya “siya yung anjan eh” but nahh, it’s not that. Maybe, “siya yung wala pang alam eh, pareho kaming nanibago sa isa’t isa pero ayun kalaunan natanggap din namin kasi chinoose naming mag settle sa ganung lifestyle” kaya yun ang pinili ni gurl at pinakasalan niya and not the guy who exerted so much, who sacrificied too much, who’s there until the end of time.”

Sad but that’s just how it works.


How long will I love you?

I keep on telling that to myself.

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you


All I know is that before I wrote this post, I have deactivated all my socmed accounts including FB and Twitter.

I retained my IG.

And as much as I wanna get this over with, I just can’t.

W H Y .

pota ka.
























Just a couple of hours ago, I signed my very first Job Offer. I didn’t know what went through my mind that I decided to take it. I’m damn serious. Now this is what it feels like being tied up — to a job you barely even had an experience working on, to a job you never imagined yourself doing sooner or later, to a job whose skills didn’t even match yours or maybe just a little, and to a company you never expected getting into and getting locked up with. Actually and realistically, I’m not a person who just commits onto something that easily, unless I really wanted to, I mean who would commit onto something if they didn’t really want to in the first place anyway, right? But this is a different story. I got caught off guard. Despair and excitement lingered to me while I was making a decision. I think that was the biggest decision I ever made in my whole 20 years of existence and I am not sure if I made the right one. I never wanted to become an agent. I never see myself wearing a headset, talking to people, addressing problems and what have you. This scenario is so way out of the biggest picture I’m imagining myself to be captured in. I am not this. This is so not me. But why did I consider this? Especially as my very first Job Experience after graduating college? Why?

Here’s another thing.

People say that I can always get out of this whole scenario. I always have a choice. If I won’t like it then I can just walk away. But here’s the question, would I be able to find another? Yeah of course, self. But I think it might take a little longer. Am I willing to wait? I know I couldn’t stand waiting most especially when everyone already has their life figured out, I couldn’t. I need to keep and stay on track. I couldn’t stand looking at my friends who are already employed, earning and buying stuff with their own money and here I am lying in bed, spending the rest of her freetime binge-watching TV shows and etc. I couldn’t stand the pressure that this family gives me even though they don’t say it. I really feel that they expect more, as in MOOOOORE from me since I’ve always been the most responsible and active student in this household. No offense to customer service associates, I do really respect your job and I’m even saludo to you guys I know it’s not easy working 24/7, attending to the needs of your clients and customers, but forgive me if I’ve thought so lowly of the position only to be given to a person who earned a 4-Year Bachelor’s Degree in IT with quite of an impressive scholastic record. I mean we deserve better and not just to be levelled with those who lack a degree, right? But I know this isn’t how this world works. We are all equal in the real world. All our degrees will be disregarded once we start taking this path. I can still remember way back in college, I always kept on repeating this to myself — I will never pursue a career with this Degree, basically because this isn’t really what I like. I’ve thought of working as a secretary or maybe as a sales person or perhaps I could exert a little push on considering the business side of IT since I’m kinda good at it, but I told myself never to touch the programming field which everyone perceived to be as the main focus of my Degree. I loathed it back then…and now as soon as I graduated college, I looked out for IT-related jobs and I wanted to be part of the IT industry. How ironic, right? Notice how the tables have turned. I think it just hits you there, right after realizing all the hard work you’ve done on that whole 4 years, and right under your nose you see how you crawled out your way just to finish the degree and the next thing you know, you decided to make use of all the things you learned and not waste a single tear shed during your down moments while taking up that degree you earned.

So here I am throwing tantrums at my own self because I chose otherwise (which was the original plan I had in mind though).

Quite frankly, I am very scared. So scared to get tied up to something that I am not familiar with. Scared of what this job would give me. What kind of growth it would lead me to. What influence I would be getting from the company, my co-workers, etc.. What lessons it would teach me. I am so scared about a new bunch of strange faces I’ll be encountering soon as I start my first day. I am seriously scared of what’s gonna be out there. And I’m having panic and anxiety attacks right now. About adulthood. About the inevitability of the future. How I couldn’t be in control anymore, how I’ll never be sure if I’m making the right decision and how I am never to return to any moment in time,

I. Am. Seriously. Afraid.

Protected: It’s February 14, Yay! — NAY.

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It’s fucking crazy. The past weeks had gone me insane. I don’t know anymore. As I look back now, all I’ve seen are failures, setbacks, regrets, wasted opportunities. If only I had the power to turn back time — oh God knows what I’d do just to go back to those moments again.

I didn’t realize my true feelings for him until just recently. How did all of these happen? As far as I can remember, I was just pretending because people often see us together so they made issues about it so I got along with them and all those crazy madness, making myself believe that I do really like him, when I don’t — really, that’s what I believed because I didn’t really see him that way and we even made a pact of some sort a few years back then that we’ll always be partners and we’ll never get attracted to each other. But the next thing I know those kilig and uneasiness I feel in my tummy, those times when I see him working his ass off, how pitiful he looked as he roamed everywhere getting his tasks done, how my heart crushes every time I see him alone, blank faced, perhaps having so much stuff in his mind — the fact that I’m feeling all these, I realize it’s not pretend anymore. I got caught in my own trap.

And I just confirmed that I was not the only one.

He went against our pact too.

At some point in time, our feelings were mutual.

And I was so naive, failing to notice every part of it.

He made it obvious and all I did was shrug him off, I ignored it because I held too much control. And this attitude of holding too much control always denies me from all the good things I could have experienced.

And by the time I learned to finally loose myself up, he’s not there anymore. He has found another.

And I couldn’t help but cry. I could’ve done something, if only I didn’t put my walls up too high. If only I acknowledged and reciprocated.

— Just another sad and depressing entry.


Tiniis ko ang ugali mong mapanlait kahit alam ko paano kumawala sa dala-dala nitong hinanakit, subalit hindi ko lubos matanto na sa bawat hapdi at pighati, ako pari’y nagpapaalipin sa mga pasakit na iyong dala-dala.

Hinahangad na sana’y lahat ng iyong mga pasakit di kamakailan ay tangayin na sabay ng paglaho ng ating dating gawi. Datapwa’t sa kabila ng lahat, di ko lubos maisip kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay pilit pa ring minumunti ng aking pusong matiyagang humihiling sa talang maningning na sana’y manumbalik ang dating tayong namumuno ng galak at saya na sa iba’y hinding-hindi maikukumpara.

At sa mga sandaling hinikayat ko ang aking sariling matutunan at unawain ka, biglang sumagi sa isip ko’y para sa’n pa? Kung ang mga nalalabing araw ay bilang na’t kalauna’y maglalaho rin naman ang lahat na parang bula.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I’m lying here alone
With no one to hold.

Behind every sulk and cry,
Is I hoping time would pass me by
And take all the sigh away.

I love you
In every way that you love her too.
I wanna hold you
In every day you hold her through.

And if only hearts can be taught,
I’ll tell them not to beat for you.
Though in every possibility
That you are still it is sought-after,
I’ll be wishing upon a star
That someday it will be me
Yours is after.

The Key To Thesis Survival

I’m like so many weeks behind, nevertheless I still want to share my greatest achievement (so far) this year. WE HAVE SURVIVED THESIS 2 YAY! All those sleepless nights, and so on, you name it. I’ve given a heads up about it on my previous post about surviving Thesis Proposal, so here I go. I couldn’t believe all these, seriously. It may have been “so” done but the feeling of relief is still fresh. I never had any idea how to begin it with but super thanks to my super hardworking partner who took time and effort just to figure out how to start off with the implementation of our Thesis proposal. I wouldn’t know where I will be right now had he not been so eager to figure things out. Everything went smoothly ever since then. I figured out what to do next since I am always the kind of person who needs to have a figure as my basis. I thank God with all my heart for not leaving me despite the hardships I encountered during this very challenging circumstance. I remained positive all throughout and I think that’s the key to survive thesis.

Never be fooled, never get influenced, never let your fear consume you.

Whenever you encounter shitty mishaps, always think about what benefits it could bring you and never dwell on its downers.

I have to state it here that we have one of the most horrifying professors in school as our chair panel yet we didn’t let fear overcome us. We fought, real hard. Despite all his meticulousness and super out of this world ideas in mind, we were able to ace our defense with flying colors. Flying colors in a way that we may have minor revisions but what we did out there was real. INDEED, ‘TWAS ONE HELLA DEFENSE BRUH! In fact, he commended our performance and it gave me chills. He gave me another reason to be proud of ourselves.

I also thank our mentors who really did a great job even though I, myself, least expected them to turn out that way. I mean who would’ve thought that this person who I belittle during our thesis proposal defense would magically turn out to be our savior during our thesis implementation defense? It was really surprising that things turned out the way you hadn’t expected it to be.

To my mom, who constantly asked for a report during the most(I think, so far) crucial part of my college life, I really appreciate your presence even though you’re so far away from home. The prayers, motivational messages, it strengthened me even more. I couldn’t be thankful enough for this very motherly gesture and how everything just got into place.

I’ve got a very supportive mom. I have a legit partner whom I could really count on. I’ve got amazing mentors who became our instant superheroes. Though my panels were super badass, what they did was just actually unlock another level of growth and development within us. I have a super loving God who is always there even when I feel like I couldn’t make it. I’ve got cheerleader friends who are there to cheer me up as I step onto another dimension of purgatory. Lastly, I have me. I thank me for not giving up despite everything.

Hardships would always remain a hindrance to everyone’s lives but we should never let it get into us, say no to what-if’s, live in the moment and believe in yourself to know what is.

Philo 104 hits

      I believe in Christ but not in religion for it impedes human progress, practices hypocrisy and abolishes the true meaning of freedom and salvation. Religion for me is something that hinders us from arriving to what we are ought to be. Instead of expanding our knowledge to get away from the innocence and ignorance, it teaches us things that drag us away from attaining it.

      Religion impedes human progress for they become more concerned with their own perpetuation than with progress. Yes, the church produces potted answers to life’s difficulties, be that as it may, but its view of the world is what impels it to resist change. According to Bertrand Russell’s, “Why I Am Not a Christian,” he stated there that by the church’s insistence upon what it chooses to call morality, inflicts upon all sorts of people undeserved and unnecessary suffering. Choosing to be morally right just because the church said so, with having the Bible as their sole basis of righteousness, is for me an act of foolishness because they try to live good lives based only on God’s Word without even thinking how that might affect others.

      Religion practices hypocrisy for it focuses more on man alone when it should be more on God the Father. It teaches things that concern only the mankind and how to become good stewards of God, but not actually how to become children of God. For religious people, praying and meditating are very essential. Practicing those, they could portray themselves as profound and spiritual preferably than tangibly minded ones. They think that going to church to pray and hear the Word of God are what a religious person must do because the church is a home for the good people – the spiritual ones, when actually it acts as a hospital for the broken, letting people hide their failure and come up with their disguise.

      Religion abolishes the true meaning of freedom and salvation. It has been taught in churches that we should hear mass in order for us to cleanse ourselves and be free from sins. Therefore it is us who comes to God, in contrary to my belief that God should search for man. I believe that our salvation is freely ours and forgiveness is our own since He said that everything is finished, that every wrongdoing has all been paid as soon as He took all what we all deserved in the beginning.

      My belief is solely in Christ alone. I don’t need religion just so I can say that I’m living a righteous and meaningful life. I believe that Christ is searching for me and therefore by believing in that, I can manifest the meaningful things life has to offer and that the true beauty of life lies on how I would want it to be.

The Boy Who Called Me “Miss P”

From a town named Malakas, there lived a boy who called me “Miss P”.
How he got that name, I had no idea.
Later I knew, it was from a boy I’d loved before.
Seven in the morning, “Good morning, Miss P” was my breakfast.
Twelve noon or so, “Good noon, Miss P” was my lunch.
Ten in the evening, “Good night, Miss P” was my late dinner and my early midnight snack.
Out of boredom, just a “Miss P” often appeared on the screen.
How that boy felt, I had no idea.
Not until he confessed and asked what we could be.
How that boy made me feel, I had no idea.
Not until I gave him something I feared the most.
With each passing day, there was a new flight of stairs he needed to climb.
Proving he could be more, he’d done exaggeratedly.
Facts about himself, he stated them all.
Facts about myself, he never cared at all.
Proving his intentions, he’d done poorly.
How that boy made me feel, I had no idea.
Not until he ignored me.
Seven in the morning, ham and egg were my breakfast.
Twelve noon or so, Sinigang was my lunch.
Ten in the evening, Spareribs and Piattos were my post dinner and my early midnight snack.
How I missed “Miss P” appearing on the screen, I had no idea.
Not until I wrote this.
From a town named Malakas, there lived a boy who called me “Miss P” no more.